Cloudy

A beautiful walk on a perfectly cloudy evening.

I've hit the halfway point of being in Spain as January comes to an end I begin to think what do I have still to accomplish/experience before this chapter of my life is a memory. Parts of my todo list are easy, take a yoga class, go out for tapas more often, travel around Spain, explore the natural parks surrounding Jaen, etc. but others leave me wondering what do I really want... Go on a date? Kiss someone? Pretty typical valid parts of a study abroad experience but that means breaking up with Paul. I know that I do love him but the stupid question of forever haunts me. If I want to tell him forever then that makes him the last guy I ever go on a date with or flirt with (without feeling guilty) and although I know that I love him I also know I am entirely to young and naive to be able to honestly tell him forever. So maybe that's what I need to tell him. But as I consider what I want out of this experience abroad it is so much more than flirting with someone other than Paul, it is a matter of finding myself as corny as that may sound. I have somehow managed to remain the girl in my program that everyone seems to know the least about. I will say or do things that to me or any of my close friends would be completely within character and normal but catch people off guard here. Like for example the topic of drinking/partying, here many people see me as a quiet "good girl" type or something haha because a little while ago when i mentioned how I was so hungover I puked on the metro in Barcelona one of my classmates was shocked by this statement coming from me. And there have been many more instances simular to this where I do something that is really pretty normal for me but being surrounded by people who don't know anything about me I constantly surprise them haha. But this has given me the opportunity to consider how exactly I want to portray myself. And with that question, along with the questions I have within religion, I am left feeling so confused by the simple things that define a person such as my beliefs and values or how i want to portray myself. Being in a relationship only makes all these questions harder for me to find answers to because I start to define myself as a girlfriend or at least being here that is the way that many people have defined me as (the quiet girl with a boyfriend back home). Also I find so much comfort in having this great relationship that it starts to scare me that I am being too dependent on Paul.

The fact that having this talk with him knowing that there is no taking it back and that after i have to live with the decision I made scares me. I don't want to tell the amazingly passionate and loving man to stop giving me such wonderful affection and attention. But the fact that I am considering letting that stop me for doing it tells me I should not be in a relationship. My relationship with Alden taught me that I can not make having a relationship or even just affection from someone an ideal in my life. I need to learn to be completely happy by myself and not depend on anyone else to provide that for me other than god. 

Gibraltar

El Most Interesante Place 

Gibraltar amazed me. This weekend I ventured into British territory at the very last tip of the Iberian Peninsula. Bordering Spain, surround by the Mediterranean and Atlantic Ocean and only a quick fairy boat ride away from Morocco is The Rock of Gibraltar. It was amazing to me to walk across the boarder and find at the bottom of Spain a small two square mile area of land completely British. Gib was nothing short of what I expect when I go to London or any other city in the UK from the buses to the phone booths and even more intriguing was the gibraltairian people. They all spoke a complete mix of English and Spanish with a heavy British accent and all! Their sentences would be a combination of english and spanish words. It seemed to be that they spoke using whatever words would get their point out the fastest.

The town was charming and quaint and the science beauty of the hike up to the top of the rock was breath taking. Hands down the most beautiful hike I have ever been on in my life. When I arrived in La Linea (the Spanish city that boarders gib, also where I was staying) I walked straight over to Gibraltar and had a wonderful cup of spinach soup and garlic bread at Clippers- oddly enough a charming pub/restaurant in the Irish district of Gibraltar haha. After lunch, wondering, and a little shopping (finally purchased a NorthFace jacket!) I headed back to La Linea to met Angie, my coworker from home, and her friend Kassi, who was nothing short of an amazing host for the weekend. 

Friday night we went out for a few tapas, drinks and Spanish nightlife. 

Saturday the three of us had a wonderful lazy afternoon in Gibraltar at an English style restaurant with delicious food and the friendliest/blunt/comical staff haha. Still a little hung-over from the night with rainy day weather I was perfectly content sipping on my coffee and doing a little walking through the town with my new waterproof jacket :) and good company. Later that night Kassi's local friends invited us into their home for a feast of delicious food, good vibes :) With such a diverse mix of people from age to ethnicities I had a ball conversing, laughing, eating and drinking. It reminded me of the importance of good company. 

I have been learning more and more that where you are and what you are doing is not nearly as important as who you are with. 

When I think back to the funniest times I have had what made them so wonderful it was who they were spent with. Not that I didn't appreciate it before but being here has made me that much more grateful for my Mission Manor family. I try not to brag but I find myself... Well bragging about all the fun times we have had together. Thanksgiving dinner and supper bowl with Paul and Chris's living room out by the pool, getting stoned and sprawling out on the floor of Evan and Tim's apartment for a movie, game nights, family dinners with pits and peaks, sunsets on the bay, beach cruises with the biker gang through PB, tearing up the floor and Gator Clappin at Open Bar, Paper airplane races down Haines Street, and so many other great times. 

But back to Spain (My. Life. Is. A. Dream.) So Saturday night was amazing, not only because of where I was or how delicious the food was, but because I was with so many genuine, fun, and friendly strangers/ new friends. 

And for the grand finally we woke up early(ish) Sunday morning to beautiful blue skies, perfect for hiking, and bagels!!! After having my dearly missed bagel and tea on the balcony overlooking the city if La Linea, the rock of Gibraltar, and even Africa In the distance, Angie, Kassi and I went back to Gibraltar to hike the Mediterranean steps to the top of the rock and play with the monkeys. 

I need find another word to describe my experiences butttt... As I said earlier the hike was the most amazing and beautiful hike I have ever been on! 

Too busy to... Eat, Pray, Love

One thing that excited me the most about coming to Spain was that this was going to be a kind of a "year off" for me. I had heard of siestas and how the Spanish culture is so relaxed and life is lived in a much slower pace, which i have found to be true to an extent. I was so excited to just be a student; to travel, explore new places, cook, relax, maybe even read a book for pleasure for the first time in my life. I thought ideally i would go to school study spanish (which wouldn't take to much effort considering i would be essentially studying everyday just from living here) and maybe even find a family or two to tutor for to earn a little extra cash. But somehow i have managed to find 5 families to tutor for (a total of 7 kids) and at the risk of sounding ungrateful, I am right back to my not-enough-time-in-the-day kind of lifestyle. I am making 55 euros a week which is amazing considering my rent is only 140 euros a months but i am realizing that i am accustomed to spoiling myself and being able to buy things when i really want them. So the extra cash i feel like is a must at the rate at which my money is disappearing between flights, busses, trains, hostels, food, drinks, and of course new clothes here and there.

But being in a foreign country is the one of most challenging and straight up exhausting things i have ever done and although i am doing (working, studying, volunteering, etc.) way less then i was back in the states i feel more burnt out then i did back home. Learning the language and being able to speak spanish isn't just going to happen from living here. I realize that i have to put in the effort and make a point to study on top of my attempts to converse with locals but i honestly just don't have enough time to study as much as i would like... I'm lucky if i get my homework done the night before it is due. But were do i go from here? Teaching english is such a great opportunity for me. Being a Child and Family Development major I can always use extra work experience with kids in a variety of setting, and teaching English is a great opportunity to gain teaching experience as well as experience working in a another language. And as my list of places to see grows i want to make as much money as possible in order to make that happen. but maybe i am becoming too focused on making money and losing sight of enjoying my time here. As i sit here and write this i am realizing I really should give one of the jobs up. There are so many other people who want to teach so i could easy recommend another student to teach for whichever family i quit (if i do) but quitting is so hard for me. Mainly because i have no idea how to bring that up to the family... "Que tal?" "buen, y tu?" "como es tu fin de semana?" "muy buen! ... I quit." ??? I don't even know how to say that in spanish let alone how to bring it up... ugh 

I really have been learning so much about myself since being here and one my biggest fears i am learning is confrontation... (if that is even the right word for it). I struggled with it when deciding to move out of my host family's house. I remember realizing it would be best for me to move into my own apartment but i seriously considered just staying with my host family because it was comfortable there and i didn't want them to think that i didn't like it there and i didn't know how to confront them and explain to them that i want to move out. Truth be told i never really even did talk to them about it I just moved out basically. I know that in situations like these people will be understanding for the most part but i am just so afraid that they will take it personally or i will upset them that i just avoid it all together at the cost of my own well-being. I am realizing that in this since i am a very shy and quiet person and i care entirely to much about what other people think about me and pleasing everyone else (even just with writing that sentence I consider deleting it because i don't want to sound conceded)... I think i have a problem haha

So I am making this blog for myself but i am also going to use some of the post for our journal assignment for my Cultural Communications class and i think this one is especially relevant because last week our amazing teaching broke the news to the class that she is no longer going to be teaching the class. As she explained how she has taken on too much this semester is too burnt out. I truly admire her for being able to admit that and do something about it. So maybe between writing this and her inspiration i will actually quit one of my jobs... but we will see.

So in order to maintain my sanity i decided to stay in Jaen this weekend and catch up on school work (part of which being this blog) and making lesson plans for my kids, and organize my life, but first i decided to dedicate today to being lazy, sleeping in, going on Pinterest, maybe cooking, reading my Wizard of Oz book (in Spanish), making travel plans, etc. While doing so i stumbled upon a traveler's blog that was unbelievably relatable! She mentioned the book Eat, Pray, Love and as i added reading it to my todo list I realized that realistically that probably wouldn't happen. I have never had time to sit down and read a book out of pleasure. I used to hate reading and as that is starting to change i still don't have time to read. Whenever i actually do have a free moment if i decide to spend it reading it puts me right to sleep and i never get past the first chapter. Another thing i wish i had more time for is praying. I am able to watch sermons from Flood Church online but when i watch them i like to sit down with my bible and take notes and write down my thoughts but I barely have enough time to watch them once a week. I think this is a sign that i am too busy and i have crossed a line. I always tell people I like staying busy but lately i have been thinking whether that is actually true or not. I like to be active... but busy gets in my way of being active and doing things I love. I need to learn to prioritize my life and dedicate more time to doing things that I enjoy. Like my boyfriend said to me early, No one is holding a gun to my head. I am a big believer in creating your own happiness and changing what you don't like so... i guess i need to learn to quit and make time to Eat, Pray, Love. 

Sunrise Over the Mediterranean

Flying out of Barcelona this morning watching the most beautiful sunrise above the clouds.

Feeling so grateful to have seen so many beautiful sunsets and rises. The best are the ones above the clouds. 

:: Best sunset- first time skydiving as the sun set over the Pacific Ocean 

:: Best Sunrise- Today, first time seeing the Mediterranean as the sun broke through the horizon filling the blue sky with beautiful shades of orange.

The beautiful sunrise was just the cherry on top of such an amazing weekend in Barcelona. Traveling through Spain has been such a wonderful experience and each place has been so diverse with many cultural differences within the Spain culture. Living in Jaén gives me a bias point of view but for me Jaén has been the most "Spanish", Granada was very Arabic, the small pueblo of Puente de Genave felt like I had traveled back in time, and Barcelona had so much Catalina pride. One thing that stuck out to me was the Catalina flags hanging from many apartment balconies and store fronts throughout the city. During out last cultural communications class we discussed how in Spain it isn't very common to see the Spanish flag hanging anywhere beside government buildings. Barcelona was quite an exception. I assume this is because of their desire to separate from Spain and thrive as their own country. We met a girl at the open market in the city who said she isn't Spanish she is Catalan and that seemed to be the consensus of most people there. 

We went to the market Friday morning and after just finishing our reports on the mercado in Jaén, well... The mercado didn't look so great anymore haha. The market in Barcelona was incredible! It had everything you could imagine and in the highest quality. We each bought a smoothie to start to fulfill our craving and it was nothing short of the best food I've ever had! I got the coconut strawberry one, it tasted like a milkshake but a million times better... So good. Later we ended up running back just before they closed to get tacos (loaded with grilled vegetable, guacamole, rice, bean, meat, etc) and one more smoothie. We spent the rest of the day wondering through the city and ended it with a tour of the Gaudi's Casa Batllo which was spectacular! Sunday I spent the whole day wondering through Gaudi's Park Guell. I loved ever minute of it. As i walked through the city to get to the park i stopped at a little restaurant to get a bit to eat. It's funny how extremely touristy Barcelona is, even the menu was printed in Spanish and English. I ordered the Pollo Chocetts (basically fried whipped potatoes with bacon bits hmmm) and a Ensalada (salad). still feeling hungover from the last two nights the food tasted so good! Just before leaving i went to the back to use the restroom as and i waited outside the door (right next to the kitchen) one of the chiefs asked me where i was from and we had a great conversation and joked back and forth all in Spanish!!
Once i finally got to the park i decided to start at the top and make my way down to the bottom. There were many small dirt trails that twisted and winded through the park with scattered musicians from every genera throughout. Their talent was captivating and made my day at the park that much better. As I got down towards the bottom where all the tourist were it was hard to even see the beauty of Gaudi's architectural work with so many people everywhere but i was still able to enjoy it. After the park i headed towards the metro to try and figure out how to get back to my friend's house but first i stopped in a small coffee shop/bar for hot chocolate and churros... when in Spain :) While sitting in the cozy cafe on a brisk early fall evening reading my book (the Wizard of Oz) with the only the company of a kind waiter I couldn't help but feel high on life.

     

m.e. ll.a.m.o. a.s.h.l.e.y... (Cultural Comm.)

Being so far a way from everything familiar is hard but I defiantly miss my friends the most, which really is more of a blessing then a problem. I am lucky to have such an amazing close group of friends and I knew it would be hard for me to leave them for a year //How blessed am I to have something that makes leaving so hard// Coming to Spain alone I was prepared to make new friends but I had no idea how hard that would be with a language barrier. When traveling by myself I realize that I have to push myself to be more outgoing in order to meet new people but being outgoing has always been something that doesn't come easily to me, and being outgoing in a foreign language isn't quite a walk in the park either. It is easy to associate with the other american students and befriend them but I have learned that there is a big difference in having friends that are people you can go do things with and hangout with and having friends that you actually connect with and truly enjoy their company. I feel like with my host sister (in normal circumstances) we would be good friends, we not only share similar interests but also similar opinions which makes for a good person to be able to talk to. I am so thankful to have been paired up with such a fitting host family but since I have moved into my new apartment we haven't had time to meet up as much as I would like.

So I have been pushing myself to go outside my comfort zone and talk to new people but it is so hard to not only engage in a conversation but also express myself in a foreign language. I find myself being so much more shy then I want to be just because I don't have to words or knowledge to say the things I would normally say. My words dumb me down and I feel like a child even when I do speak. Also it takes a lot of confidence to try and speak the few words that I think I might know but I am sure I will pronounce wrong. Some days I feel fustrated, stupid, and even hopeless but it is when there are those few break throughs and times when I understand what someone is saying and am able to respond that I remember why I am doing this and it feels great! This has been happening more and more frequently so that must mean I am learning... it's just suchhh a long processes and I feel like I still have so to far to go before can more then just understand and respond but actually be fluent enough to truly speak in a way that matches my personality. This goes right along with what we were talking about in class: We learn to receive and interpret language much faster we learn to  produce it (which makes perfect sense and I am finding to be extremely true). Recently I understand so much of what people are saying and I even started reading a book in Spanish (The Wizard of Oz), but when I write my paper is full of mistakes and my speaking is hard to understand and very simply put. 

Since being here I have such a hunger to learn that I have never experienced (or at least never this strong). I just wish i had more time in the day to study... (I never thought i would say that) I have never enjoyed reading and now I find myself bringing my spanish book with me everywhere just incase I have a minute to read/translate a sentence... but speaking of not having enough time I will have to pick back up on this tomorrow. I'm meeting my Spanish Partner tomorrow morning for breakfast, excited to met her but I've got a lot to do in the morning before meeting her so--- Buenos Noches :)  

Intercambio

Write.in.your.blog. 
write in your blog, write in your blog, write in your blog. Just woke up for my siesta, as always a million things on my too do list, having a cup of tea on my new little patio, as the sun is falling into a perfect sunset [perfect sunet. noun. a break in the clouds just above the horizon. beach viewing worthy.] Perfect time to put everything else on hold (even Pinterest) breath, reflect, smile, and write in my blog.


As always so much to be thankful for. Going to 'Intercambio' last night was one of the best decisions i have made here. Typically I wouldn't go out by myself with no intentions of meeting up with people i know, just to meet people and mingle. My goal lately has been to push myself out side my comfort zone as much as possible. I am discovering that it going to be my key to success while I'm here. It is no surprise the language barrier has been the root of most all of my struggles since i left, but understanding and being able to communicate is not going to just come to me easily. Hanging out with other americans, listening my favorite american songs, looking up american movies, and even eating my favorite american foods may give me momentary comfort but without completely emerging myself in Spainish culture and temporally forgetting my old American habits I will never fully adjust to living here. Until i learn the language better (much better) I am still going to be completely and totally exhausted at the end of everyday. 
I never thought about the toll being submerged in a foreign language would have on me, and i don't think i could have possibly understood it without experiencing it for myself. For example watching TV usually such a mindless easy thing to do... here exhausting! Its funny my new roommate Ana is always asking me do you understand it or do you understand us when we are all in the living room watching TV or her and someone else is speaking spanish and i laugh to myself. Are you kidding me I have been at school all day, then working with the kids struggling to get their attention and understand an once of what they are telling me, trying to communicate with the clerk at the grocery store or explain to the girl at the photocopy place the pages i need for my class, it is the end of the day and i am so tired and a little overwhelmed... no i do not understand a single word because for a moment i don't feel like putting in the effort to translate what Homer Simpson is saying on the TV right now. It takes so much focus to do anything and everything in a foreign country.

Intercambio. So yesterday Elena, my host sister, invited me to go to intercambio. Its a group that anyone can join were each week they pick a pub and people for all over the world meet to have a few drink and exchange language practice. So this invite was ideal... except for the fact that Elena wasn't going to be able to make it there this week. Is it still an invite when the other person isn't going with you? Well anyways it was thursday night (Thank God my weeks are only Monday through Thursday), I'm fighting to get rid of a sore throat and fend off a cold i feel coming on, I just finished meeting with the third family i will be working for (or should i say families since it will be 3 kids from 3 different families i will be tutoring), after i have already been at school then tutored the twins (who have been having wonderful little meltdowns this week), I've got weeks worth of studying and lesson plans to make (still need to do that) , oh an tomorrow morning i am supposed to go to Granda with all the other American students so going out at 10 to a place i don't know with a bunch of people i don't know sounds great! haha but i knew this would be the perfect opportunity to do what i have been saying and push myself outside my comfort zone. Also the Pub for this week was literally two blocks for my apartment so i took that as a sign that God was giving me a good opportunity and i need to take advantage.      [In the last sermon I watched online from Flood Pastor Matt asked the question what are the things in your life and throughout your day that God is nudging you to do? I am focusing on being more aware of what God is nudging me to do and as i have been reminded of often since i've been here Walk[ing] by Faith.]      After walking around the block a few times looking for Fin McCools, the pub where intercambio was, i saw and overhead two girls speaking english. I figured since there aren't many english speaking people in Jaen, being that it is not a tourist destination, the were probably going to the same place so i introduced myself and sure enough they were going there and showed me the way. As we open the door to what seems to be a small quiet little pub english and spanish with every kind of accent floods the street. Instantly i think what the heck am i doing here... What are you supposed to do when walking into a bar full of strangers you want to meet... Just walk up to a group of people mid-converstaion and join in (not even really knowing the language) and say Yo Soy Ashley?! yep. thats basically what i did haha. But it turned out great I met a couple of Spanish natives who spoke great english, well some of them, and some other people from different parts of the world trying to learn spanish. I was so excited to meet so many American or other english speaking people mostly 20 something living here or near by teaching english. Hopefully these new contacts can lead me some advice as to what the hell to do with the now 7 kids i tutor every week haha. But i have been trying to avoid the comfort of making friends with English speakers and instead make friends with Spanish speakers and i feel like i was able to accomplish that last night. I went home smiling and feeling proud of myself :) 

Well after journaling or writing in a blog i see that i tend to ramble quite a lot but it is well after sun set and the millions of things i had planed to get done today (the reason i didn't go to Granada) will just have to get done tomorrow because Elena has 'invited' me to a Flamenco show with her friends and possibly even her this time haha :)  

Journaling take 3

So I haven't yet figured out the easiest way to capture all my memories and experiences here is Spain for later reflection but I have yet to try a blog... so here goes. My original plan was a post card from every city i visit, write about what i did and mail it home, then bind them together when i get home for memories but have you seen how much room there is for writing on a post card... not nearly enough to write about all the amazing things that happen. I also started a journal but I can't exactly post that to tell other people what is going on so here is my blog...

School here is so great! Defiantly some of the best teachers I have ever had plus I have never been so motivated to go to school, do my homework, study, and just learn! haha Not knowing the language is the hardest part of being here so I have been very eager to learn.
We started with a two week intensive course all in Spanish. It was equivalent to 3 units in the states so that was great and passing it with a 9.35 (they grade 1 to 10 instead of A-F) wasn't too bad either :) The first two weeks was nothing short of intensive (5 hour classes monday-friday) but it was completely necessary. Now we are on a normal schedule with 1 to 3 two hour classes per day and no school on friday :) My classes are still taught in Spanish with the exception of our cultural communication course but I have found that it is easier for me to learn the language when it is taught in Spanish.

Work could not be better! I am teaching english to the children of two different families (soon to be three) and feel so blessed to have such a wonderful opportunity thanks so my host family! Not only is it a perfect experience for my resume but it also helps me learn spanish. The kids are so cute when they get so excited to play with me and tell me stories (all in Spanish) and I try so hard to translate the few familiar words i can catch haha. I wish I had a video of Elvira (one of the 5 year old twins i teach) trying to tell me a story about a mermaid under the water or something haha. She was so excited and jumping all around trying to demonstrate for me as she could tell I did not understand her but she could not figure out why. Her twin brother Santiago is just as enthusiastic and has an amazing attention span for a five year old! It is so exciting to when he repeats back new phrases and words i teach him and then recalls them later.
I love teaching but also have gained a whole new respect for teacher that can captivate the attention of young children and motivate them to participate in different learning activities. That has been the most challenging part of teaching is coming up with different activities to do with the kids that will get them to speak english with me. Today was great though! I took the two boys Jamie (4 years old) and Marco (8) to the grocery store. I gave each of them a "grocery list" and off we went chasing them through the store as they excitedly searched for each item so they could cross them off their list. It went better then I ever could have imagined. We had a blast and i feel like the boys actually learned something. After the grocery store we went back to their house and I asked about the 10 or so huge trophies on the mantel since i've noticed the house is full of running shoes, bikes, and trophies. Little did i know Fran, the dad, is a professional athlete and a fire fighter! (what a loser) haha They should me pictures of his track competitions where he represented Spain and the laundry room full of running shoes from floor to celling. The next thing i knew the mom was giving me a pair of brand new Nike frees plus my 20 euros for the week... not a bad days work haha! So i guess you could say they are pretty cool haha