Cloudy

A beautiful walk on a perfectly cloudy evening.

I've hit the halfway point of being in Spain as January comes to an end I begin to think what do I have still to accomplish/experience before this chapter of my life is a memory. Parts of my todo list are easy, take a yoga class, go out for tapas more often, travel around Spain, explore the natural parks surrounding Jaen, etc. but others leave me wondering what do I really want... Go on a date? Kiss someone? Pretty typical valid parts of a study abroad experience but that means breaking up with Paul. I know that I do love him but the stupid question of forever haunts me. If I want to tell him forever then that makes him the last guy I ever go on a date with or flirt with (without feeling guilty) and although I know that I love him I also know I am entirely to young and naive to be able to honestly tell him forever. So maybe that's what I need to tell him. But as I consider what I want out of this experience abroad it is so much more than flirting with someone other than Paul, it is a matter of finding myself as corny as that may sound. I have somehow managed to remain the girl in my program that everyone seems to know the least about. I will say or do things that to me or any of my close friends would be completely within character and normal but catch people off guard here. Like for example the topic of drinking/partying, here many people see me as a quiet "good girl" type or something haha because a little while ago when i mentioned how I was so hungover I puked on the metro in Barcelona one of my classmates was shocked by this statement coming from me. And there have been many more instances simular to this where I do something that is really pretty normal for me but being surrounded by people who don't know anything about me I constantly surprise them haha. But this has given me the opportunity to consider how exactly I want to portray myself. And with that question, along with the questions I have within religion, I am left feeling so confused by the simple things that define a person such as my beliefs and values or how i want to portray myself. Being in a relationship only makes all these questions harder for me to find answers to because I start to define myself as a girlfriend or at least being here that is the way that many people have defined me as (the quiet girl with a boyfriend back home). Also I find so much comfort in having this great relationship that it starts to scare me that I am being too dependent on Paul.

The fact that having this talk with him knowing that there is no taking it back and that after i have to live with the decision I made scares me. I don't want to tell the amazingly passionate and loving man to stop giving me such wonderful affection and attention. But the fact that I am considering letting that stop me for doing it tells me I should not be in a relationship. My relationship with Alden taught me that I can not make having a relationship or even just affection from someone an ideal in my life. I need to learn to be completely happy by myself and not depend on anyone else to provide that for me other than god.