Too busy to... Eat, Pray, Love

One thing that excited me the most about coming to Spain was that this was going to be a kind of a "year off" for me. I had heard of siestas and how the Spanish culture is so relaxed and life is lived in a much slower pace, which i have found to be true to an extent. I was so excited to just be a student; to travel, explore new places, cook, relax, maybe even read a book for pleasure for the first time in my life. I thought ideally i would go to school study spanish (which wouldn't take to much effort considering i would be essentially studying everyday just from living here) and maybe even find a family or two to tutor for to earn a little extra cash. But somehow i have managed to find 5 families to tutor for (a total of 7 kids) and at the risk of sounding ungrateful, I am right back to my not-enough-time-in-the-day kind of lifestyle. I am making 55 euros a week which is amazing considering my rent is only 140 euros a months but i am realizing that i am accustomed to spoiling myself and being able to buy things when i really want them. So the extra cash i feel like is a must at the rate at which my money is disappearing between flights, busses, trains, hostels, food, drinks, and of course new clothes here and there.

But being in a foreign country is the one of most challenging and straight up exhausting things i have ever done and although i am doing (working, studying, volunteering, etc.) way less then i was back in the states i feel more burnt out then i did back home. Learning the language and being able to speak spanish isn't just going to happen from living here. I realize that i have to put in the effort and make a point to study on top of my attempts to converse with locals but i honestly just don't have enough time to study as much as i would like... I'm lucky if i get my homework done the night before it is due. But were do i go from here? Teaching english is such a great opportunity for me. Being a Child and Family Development major I can always use extra work experience with kids in a variety of setting, and teaching English is a great opportunity to gain teaching experience as well as experience working in a another language. And as my list of places to see grows i want to make as much money as possible in order to make that happen. but maybe i am becoming too focused on making money and losing sight of enjoying my time here. As i sit here and write this i am realizing I really should give one of the jobs up. There are so many other people who want to teach so i could easy recommend another student to teach for whichever family i quit (if i do) but quitting is so hard for me. Mainly because i have no idea how to bring that up to the family... "Que tal?" "buen, y tu?" "como es tu fin de semana?" "muy buen! ... I quit." ??? I don't even know how to say that in spanish let alone how to bring it up... ugh 

I really have been learning so much about myself since being here and one my biggest fears i am learning is confrontation... (if that is even the right word for it). I struggled with it when deciding to move out of my host family's house. I remember realizing it would be best for me to move into my own apartment but i seriously considered just staying with my host family because it was comfortable there and i didn't want them to think that i didn't like it there and i didn't know how to confront them and explain to them that i want to move out. Truth be told i never really even did talk to them about it I just moved out basically. I know that in situations like these people will be understanding for the most part but i am just so afraid that they will take it personally or i will upset them that i just avoid it all together at the cost of my own well-being. I am realizing that in this since i am a very shy and quiet person and i care entirely to much about what other people think about me and pleasing everyone else (even just with writing that sentence I consider deleting it because i don't want to sound conceded)... I think i have a problem haha

So I am making this blog for myself but i am also going to use some of the post for our journal assignment for my Cultural Communications class and i think this one is especially relevant because last week our amazing teaching broke the news to the class that she is no longer going to be teaching the class. As she explained how she has taken on too much this semester is too burnt out. I truly admire her for being able to admit that and do something about it. So maybe between writing this and her inspiration i will actually quit one of my jobs... but we will see.

So in order to maintain my sanity i decided to stay in Jaen this weekend and catch up on school work (part of which being this blog) and making lesson plans for my kids, and organize my life, but first i decided to dedicate today to being lazy, sleeping in, going on Pinterest, maybe cooking, reading my Wizard of Oz book (in Spanish), making travel plans, etc. While doing so i stumbled upon a traveler's blog that was unbelievably relatable! She mentioned the book Eat, Pray, Love and as i added reading it to my todo list I realized that realistically that probably wouldn't happen. I have never had time to sit down and read a book out of pleasure. I used to hate reading and as that is starting to change i still don't have time to read. Whenever i actually do have a free moment if i decide to spend it reading it puts me right to sleep and i never get past the first chapter. Another thing i wish i had more time for is praying. I am able to watch sermons from Flood Church online but when i watch them i like to sit down with my bible and take notes and write down my thoughts but I barely have enough time to watch them once a week. I think this is a sign that i am too busy and i have crossed a line. I always tell people I like staying busy but lately i have been thinking whether that is actually true or not. I like to be active... but busy gets in my way of being active and doing things I love. I need to learn to prioritize my life and dedicate more time to doing things that I enjoy. Like my boyfriend said to me early, No one is holding a gun to my head. I am a big believer in creating your own happiness and changing what you don't like so... i guess i need to learn to quit and make time to Eat, Pray, Love. 

Sunrise Over the Mediterranean

Flying out of Barcelona this morning watching the most beautiful sunrise above the clouds.

Feeling so grateful to have seen so many beautiful sunsets and rises. The best are the ones above the clouds. 

:: Best sunset- first time skydiving as the sun set over the Pacific Ocean 

:: Best Sunrise- Today, first time seeing the Mediterranean as the sun broke through the horizon filling the blue sky with beautiful shades of orange.

The beautiful sunrise was just the cherry on top of such an amazing weekend in Barcelona. Traveling through Spain has been such a wonderful experience and each place has been so diverse with many cultural differences within the Spain culture. Living in Jaén gives me a bias point of view but for me Jaén has been the most "Spanish", Granada was very Arabic, the small pueblo of Puente de Genave felt like I had traveled back in time, and Barcelona had so much Catalina pride. One thing that stuck out to me was the Catalina flags hanging from many apartment balconies and store fronts throughout the city. During out last cultural communications class we discussed how in Spain it isn't very common to see the Spanish flag hanging anywhere beside government buildings. Barcelona was quite an exception. I assume this is because of their desire to separate from Spain and thrive as their own country. We met a girl at the open market in the city who said she isn't Spanish she is Catalan and that seemed to be the consensus of most people there. 

We went to the market Friday morning and after just finishing our reports on the mercado in Jaén, well... The mercado didn't look so great anymore haha. The market in Barcelona was incredible! It had everything you could imagine and in the highest quality. We each bought a smoothie to start to fulfill our craving and it was nothing short of the best food I've ever had! I got the coconut strawberry one, it tasted like a milkshake but a million times better... So good. Later we ended up running back just before they closed to get tacos (loaded with grilled vegetable, guacamole, rice, bean, meat, etc) and one more smoothie. We spent the rest of the day wondering through the city and ended it with a tour of the Gaudi's Casa Batllo which was spectacular! Sunday I spent the whole day wondering through Gaudi's Park Guell. I loved ever minute of it. As i walked through the city to get to the park i stopped at a little restaurant to get a bit to eat. It's funny how extremely touristy Barcelona is, even the menu was printed in Spanish and English. I ordered the Pollo Chocetts (basically fried whipped potatoes with bacon bits hmmm) and a Ensalada (salad). still feeling hungover from the last two nights the food tasted so good! Just before leaving i went to the back to use the restroom as and i waited outside the door (right next to the kitchen) one of the chiefs asked me where i was from and we had a great conversation and joked back and forth all in Spanish!!
Once i finally got to the park i decided to start at the top and make my way down to the bottom. There were many small dirt trails that twisted and winded through the park with scattered musicians from every genera throughout. Their talent was captivating and made my day at the park that much better. As I got down towards the bottom where all the tourist were it was hard to even see the beauty of Gaudi's architectural work with so many people everywhere but i was still able to enjoy it. After the park i headed towards the metro to try and figure out how to get back to my friend's house but first i stopped in a small coffee shop/bar for hot chocolate and churros... when in Spain :) While sitting in the cozy cafe on a brisk early fall evening reading my book (the Wizard of Oz) with the only the company of a kind waiter I couldn't help but feel high on life.

     

m.e. ll.a.m.o. a.s.h.l.e.y... (Cultural Comm.)

Being so far a way from everything familiar is hard but I defiantly miss my friends the most, which really is more of a blessing then a problem. I am lucky to have such an amazing close group of friends and I knew it would be hard for me to leave them for a year //How blessed am I to have something that makes leaving so hard// Coming to Spain alone I was prepared to make new friends but I had no idea how hard that would be with a language barrier. When traveling by myself I realize that I have to push myself to be more outgoing in order to meet new people but being outgoing has always been something that doesn't come easily to me, and being outgoing in a foreign language isn't quite a walk in the park either. It is easy to associate with the other american students and befriend them but I have learned that there is a big difference in having friends that are people you can go do things with and hangout with and having friends that you actually connect with and truly enjoy their company. I feel like with my host sister (in normal circumstances) we would be good friends, we not only share similar interests but also similar opinions which makes for a good person to be able to talk to. I am so thankful to have been paired up with such a fitting host family but since I have moved into my new apartment we haven't had time to meet up as much as I would like.

So I have been pushing myself to go outside my comfort zone and talk to new people but it is so hard to not only engage in a conversation but also express myself in a foreign language. I find myself being so much more shy then I want to be just because I don't have to words or knowledge to say the things I would normally say. My words dumb me down and I feel like a child even when I do speak. Also it takes a lot of confidence to try and speak the few words that I think I might know but I am sure I will pronounce wrong. Some days I feel fustrated, stupid, and even hopeless but it is when there are those few break throughs and times when I understand what someone is saying and am able to respond that I remember why I am doing this and it feels great! This has been happening more and more frequently so that must mean I am learning... it's just suchhh a long processes and I feel like I still have so to far to go before can more then just understand and respond but actually be fluent enough to truly speak in a way that matches my personality. This goes right along with what we were talking about in class: We learn to receive and interpret language much faster we learn to  produce it (which makes perfect sense and I am finding to be extremely true). Recently I understand so much of what people are saying and I even started reading a book in Spanish (The Wizard of Oz), but when I write my paper is full of mistakes and my speaking is hard to understand and very simply put. 

Since being here I have such a hunger to learn that I have never experienced (or at least never this strong). I just wish i had more time in the day to study... (I never thought i would say that) I have never enjoyed reading and now I find myself bringing my spanish book with me everywhere just incase I have a minute to read/translate a sentence... but speaking of not having enough time I will have to pick back up on this tomorrow. I'm meeting my Spanish Partner tomorrow morning for breakfast, excited to met her but I've got a lot to do in the morning before meeting her so--- Buenos Noches :)