Too busy to... Eat, Pray, Love

One thing that excited me the most about coming to Spain was that this was going to be a kind of a "year off" for me. I had heard of siestas and how the Spanish culture is so relaxed and life is lived in a much slower pace, which i have found to be true to an extent. I was so excited to just be a student; to travel, explore new places, cook, relax, maybe even read a book for pleasure for the first time in my life. I thought ideally i would go to school study spanish (which wouldn't take to much effort considering i would be essentially studying everyday just from living here) and maybe even find a family or two to tutor for to earn a little extra cash. But somehow i have managed to find 5 families to tutor for (a total of 7 kids) and at the risk of sounding ungrateful, I am right back to my not-enough-time-in-the-day kind of lifestyle. I am making 55 euros a week which is amazing considering my rent is only 140 euros a months but i am realizing that i am accustomed to spoiling myself and being able to buy things when i really want them. So the extra cash i feel like is a must at the rate at which my money is disappearing between flights, busses, trains, hostels, food, drinks, and of course new clothes here and there.

But being in a foreign country is the one of most challenging and straight up exhausting things i have ever done and although i am doing (working, studying, volunteering, etc.) way less then i was back in the states i feel more burnt out then i did back home. Learning the language and being able to speak spanish isn't just going to happen from living here. I realize that i have to put in the effort and make a point to study on top of my attempts to converse with locals but i honestly just don't have enough time to study as much as i would like... I'm lucky if i get my homework done the night before it is due. But were do i go from here? Teaching english is such a great opportunity for me. Being a Child and Family Development major I can always use extra work experience with kids in a variety of setting, and teaching English is a great opportunity to gain teaching experience as well as experience working in a another language. And as my list of places to see grows i want to make as much money as possible in order to make that happen. but maybe i am becoming too focused on making money and losing sight of enjoying my time here. As i sit here and write this i am realizing I really should give one of the jobs up. There are so many other people who want to teach so i could easy recommend another student to teach for whichever family i quit (if i do) but quitting is so hard for me. Mainly because i have no idea how to bring that up to the family... "Que tal?" "buen, y tu?" "como es tu fin de semana?" "muy buen! ... I quit." ??? I don't even know how to say that in spanish let alone how to bring it up... ugh 

I really have been learning so much about myself since being here and one my biggest fears i am learning is confrontation... (if that is even the right word for it). I struggled with it when deciding to move out of my host family's house. I remember realizing it would be best for me to move into my own apartment but i seriously considered just staying with my host family because it was comfortable there and i didn't want them to think that i didn't like it there and i didn't know how to confront them and explain to them that i want to move out. Truth be told i never really even did talk to them about it I just moved out basically. I know that in situations like these people will be understanding for the most part but i am just so afraid that they will take it personally or i will upset them that i just avoid it all together at the cost of my own well-being. I am realizing that in this since i am a very shy and quiet person and i care entirely to much about what other people think about me and pleasing everyone else (even just with writing that sentence I consider deleting it because i don't want to sound conceded)... I think i have a problem haha

So I am making this blog for myself but i am also going to use some of the post for our journal assignment for my Cultural Communications class and i think this one is especially relevant because last week our amazing teaching broke the news to the class that she is no longer going to be teaching the class. As she explained how she has taken on too much this semester is too burnt out. I truly admire her for being able to admit that and do something about it. So maybe between writing this and her inspiration i will actually quit one of my jobs... but we will see.

So in order to maintain my sanity i decided to stay in Jaen this weekend and catch up on school work (part of which being this blog) and making lesson plans for my kids, and organize my life, but first i decided to dedicate today to being lazy, sleeping in, going on Pinterest, maybe cooking, reading my Wizard of Oz book (in Spanish), making travel plans, etc. While doing so i stumbled upon a traveler's blog that was unbelievably relatable! She mentioned the book Eat, Pray, Love and as i added reading it to my todo list I realized that realistically that probably wouldn't happen. I have never had time to sit down and read a book out of pleasure. I used to hate reading and as that is starting to change i still don't have time to read. Whenever i actually do have a free moment if i decide to spend it reading it puts me right to sleep and i never get past the first chapter. Another thing i wish i had more time for is praying. I am able to watch sermons from Flood Church online but when i watch them i like to sit down with my bible and take notes and write down my thoughts but I barely have enough time to watch them once a week. I think this is a sign that i am too busy and i have crossed a line. I always tell people I like staying busy but lately i have been thinking whether that is actually true or not. I like to be active... but busy gets in my way of being active and doing things I love. I need to learn to prioritize my life and dedicate more time to doing things that I enjoy. Like my boyfriend said to me early, No one is holding a gun to my head. I am a big believer in creating your own happiness and changing what you don't like so... i guess i need to learn to quit and make time to Eat, Pray, Love.